my top ten Guilty Pleasure movies

Yes judge, I confess,  I like watching these following movies.  It’s so wrong but I can’t help it … I plead guilty to loving these movies.  Lock my ass up!  Guilty pleasures, we all have them.  Whether it’s music, books, (ladies I’m looking at you and your 50 shades of porn.  I mean Grey.)  food, or hobbies.  Then there are the guilty pleasure movies.  Yes I know I did a blog about the worst films I’ve ever seen.  But those movies for what ever reason, made me truly hate them.    The way I define a guilty pleasure movie is,  1 you know it’s bad, you know your friends would give you crap if they caught you watching it, and you know that you shouldn’t like it.  But by crackers you like it.   2 it’s a movie that is not generally from a genre of films you ordinarily like, but you find yourself enjoying it, and are embarrassed to admit it.  So the way I rank these is in order of how embarrassed I am to admit I truly enjoy them.  So let the trial proceed.

Screw Romney and Obama, Torgo for President.

exhibit # 10 – Steel Magnolias & Fried Green Tomatoes

Now before all you women get your drawers in roars I am not saying these are per-say bad films.  These are a couple of those, not usually from the genre of films I like category.  They are from the “chick flick” realm.  Their both about spicy, funny southern women.  Both are melodramatic as hell, and so filled with estrogen they will flood your television.  But, both of these movies have a great cast, they’re well written, and directed.  I think I like “Tomatoes” a little more because it has a much more interesting story, and the performances are much better.  You just can’t beat Kathy Bates and Jessica Tandy.  Plus I always enjoy Mary Louise Parker for her bit of oddness.  “Magnolias” is good and I hate to admit I will watch it if it’s on, but it drags in places.  It really feels at times like a stage play and they make all the men look really dumb.  (I can hear you ladies now saying,  “That’s cause they are dumb.”)  But that being said most of the performances are very strong and the story holds well enough to be enjoyable.

exhibit # 9 – The Ambulance

This I know most haven’t heard of.  I like Eric Roberts a lot, but he rarely gets roles that lesser actors get.  If you have never seen him in “Runaway Train” or “Star 80” go rent them soon.  He is a damn fine actor.  This movie here is one of the strangest movies I have ever seen.  It’s not the best made movies I have ever seen.  It’s very choppy at times.  A lot of the plot makes no sense but there are some moments and performances that are truly memorable.  It’s mostly about Roberts having a crush on some girl he has seen on the streets of New York.  He talks to her, she collapses and she gets picked up by an old Ghostbusters car style ambulance.  He goes to the hospital the driver says she will be at but she is not there.  The girls room mate and Robert go looking for her and she gets picked up and disappears in the same ambulance.  So now Roberts spends the rest of the movie trying to untangle the mystery.  You have Eric Roberts in a very zany, I’d almost say cocaine fueled performance, a cameo from Red Buttons, James Earl Jones as a gum chewing detective and Eric Braden aka “the Young and the Restless’ ” Victor Newman as the villain.  It is a true B movie in every sense but I guarantee if you start to watch it you won’t stop.  At least I can’t.

exhibit # 8 – Commando

I’ll be back. I’ll always be back. Why can’t I ever be front?

This is one of my childhood favorites.  It wasn’t until I was older I realized how goofy it was.  Arnold has made some great action movies in his day.  You can talk all you want about his accent and acting you want, but as I said before he is the John Wayne of his time.  John Wayne was not an actor by any stretch of the imagination and if he were just getting started today he would be lumped into the same category as Arnold and Chuck Norris.  That being said Arnold and Wayne-o made some good movies.  Arnold’s best are “Total Recall”, “Terminator 1 and 2” and one of my all time favorite movies, “Predator”.  (none of Wayne’s come to mind right now.  Sorry)  “Commando” on the other hand, well …  It came on the heels of the first two Rambo movies and who could out do Rambo?  Why big bad Anald of course!  Everything about this movie is big and over the top.  Arnold’s muscles, the action, the explosions, the dialog, the acting, even the musical score.  The plot is pretty lame, the script is silly.  Although it does provide Arnold with some of his most memorable one liners.  It has some laughably outrages moments, but it’s a true guilty pleasure.  Plus if you close you’re eyes during the scene where Rae Dawn Chong is trying to get the plane to fly it totally sounds like she and Arnold are filming a porn.  Trust me! 😉

exhibit # 7 – Signs

   I have watched this movie several times, and I still like it a lot.  I like Mel Gibson and Joaquin Phoenix’s performances.  I like the look of the movie.  I like the story for the most part.  But so much of this film makes absolutely no sense in the slightest.  Most who read this will know what I mean, but for ones who don’t, go watch the Nostalgia Critic review of the movie on youtube.  But the biggest problems the movie has against it are in fact the aliens that come to earth.  They are so smart and advanced to have achieved space travel, but can’t get through a wooden door.  They are easily hurt by water, but invade a planet that is almost what, 85% water.  Plus they have no weapons and can be hurt by a wooden bat.  These are without a doubt the worst villains in movie history, and the dumbest aliens ever.  But, I will still watch “Signs”.  Is that a sign I’m losing my mind?

exhibit # 6 – Ready to Rumble

He looks like a wrestler right? No, well he’s a very talented actor.

Did you see that movie about pro wrestling?  The performances were moving, the script was smart, the directing was perfect, and it’s shot beautify.  Yeah, well that was “the Wrestler” with Mickey Rourke.  I’m going to talk about the other wrestling movie, “Ready to Rumble”.  It has virtually nothing that made “the Wrestler” so good.  Aside from Oliver Platt who plays Jimmy King.  King is the hero pro wrestler of two slacker kids.  They go to watch him wrestle and he gets cheated out of his title “for real” and fired from the company, “for real”.  How they would know that this was an actual occurrence and not part of the wrestling show I don’t know.  This movie was made at the height of the wrestling boom of the 90’s by the head of WCW at the time.  He was wanting to branch into movie making, much like the WWE is now.  The directing is bad, the script blurs the line between what’s real in wrestling and what’s not too often.  Plus the dialog is really silly.  But Oliver Platt (who is a very underrated actor IMO) gives a genuinely funny performance.  Nothing he does or says seems forced at all, and there are moments of true comedy with him.  Plus there are a few kind of funny cameos with the wrestlers that will make an old school fan laugh.  It’s not a good movie but it is fun to watch.

exhibit # 5 Troll 2

No, for real. This is from the actual movie. These are the “costumes” for the goblins … in the … trolls movie.

Any bad movie lover knows this movie.  Say it with me, “OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOD!”     Troll 2 is now such a cult phenom that it’s not quite as embarrassing to admit your liking of this movie.  But I still feel guilty.  It’s so bad.  No bad is one thing, this is almost … supernaturally stupid.  Maybe the aliens from “Signs” made this movie.  But if it weren’t so dumb, and cataclysmally  weird it would not be enjoyable.  And the bad thing is ….  It is enjoyable.  It is so weird, and poorly shot, and the “story” is so off the wall you watch with shock wondering what will happen next.  All the while laughing in hysterics at the god awful script.  All these people had to be amateur actors (and all of them are) because most true pros would not recite the idiocy that is said in this film.  “You don’t piss on hospitality, I won’t allow it!”  the father says.  If you have never seen “Troll 2” before, there is no reason to watch “Troll 1”.  The two movies have nothing to do with each other.  In fact there are no Trolls in “Troll 2”.  (The villains are vegetarian goblins)  Why? Your guess is good as mine.

exhibit # 4 – Manos, the Hands of Fate

hit the haunting Torgo theme!!!

Here is another fav. of bad movie lovers.  One of the greatest episodes in “Mystery Science Theater 3000”  history was when they did their thing to this film.  If that’s what you want to call it.   The only thing one can say this had going for it was the character Torgo and his theme that he walked to.  You have to see it to understand.  There is no story, no acting, no direction at all.  I once thought that if George W. Bush made a movie that it would sort of end up like this.  You know a directionless mess.  Full of people not knowing where to go, and acting like morons.  Friends of his getting to be in jobs that they have no real background or talent for.  You know, like his entire administration.     But anyway, this movie is really bad, but it’s harmless fun.  o if you have an hour and a half to kill and want to see something really bizarre then give it a shot.

exhibit # 3 – Road House

Patrick judo punched the shit out of Baby after she messed up the lift.

I watched this film for the first time with my uncle.  We laughed our butts off through the whole thing.  A college educated, philosophy spewing, karate trained, guy becomes a bouncer/bouncer trainer for the most sleazy honky tonk bars.  Yup, that’s our hero Patrick Swayze.  He is hired to “clean up” a bar in some southern town that’s ruled by a rich bully.  They cross paths and Patrick has to fight for the rights of the town.  While cleaning up the bar.  The story is dumb and the script is so laughably bad, that you get caught up in the absurdity of it all.  But there is actually a pretty good and gruesome fight with Swayze and one of the main henchmen towards the end.  “Road House” is not my “permanent Saturday night thang!”  But it’s a true guilty pleasure.  Oh God is a guilty one.    😦

exhibit # 2 – Battlefield Earth

what do you think Travolta has packed in them leather pants? Probably another bad L. Ron Hubbard novel. Right where it belongs.

I didn’t want to find this movie painful yet laughably entertaining.  It must be some sort of Scientology mind control.  Screw you Tom Cruise, I will not find you to be campy fun in “Rock of Ages”.    This film is on a different level of bad.   I mean, when you use a kernel of dung as your movies source material you will grow a giant dripping steaming pile of shit tree oak of a movie.  And by golly that’s what ol’ disco pants Johnny did alright.  He boogie fevered his way into one of the most laughably, WTF movies ever made.   If you never seen it the plot or semi-plot is in the year 3000 or something along that time, the Earth was taken over by a race of ten foot tall aliens called the Psyclos.  They have dreadlocks, and wear tight leather pants.  They have these things that hang from their noses so they can breath in our atmosphere that look like strands of snot.   The film is filmed tilted sideways the whole time, the script is just stupid and by the time you get to the end you wonder how the hell these Psyclos were able to concur anything. (they must be cousins of the aliens from Signs)    But the payoff is watching the outrageously over the top performance from Travolta.  Not, charming over the top, just almost lampoonish over the top.  Nah, not almost, truly crazy over the top.

exhibit # 1 – The Room

you’re tearing me apart Tommy!

I am so ashamed.  If you have never seen “The Room” you will either love it or hate it.  There is no in between.  Tommy Wiseau is either a clever genius or he is a brain injury victim who lucked up and made a fortune with one of the worst films ever made.    If you haven’t seen it, this should have been a very simple movie to make.  A guy loves a girl and are going to get married.  The girl decides for what ever reason she doesn’t love him anymore and starts sleeping with his best friend.  Their friends get involved and tell her to quite or tell her fiance.  She plays them both until all hell breaks loose.  But through the bizarre and wacky lens of the writer, director, producer, and star of the film Tommy Wiseau this became a most unusually bad experience.  The acting is just guffaw inducing.  Even the sex scenes will make you laugh.  (they are kind of graphic so be wary)  Wiseau’s line delivery is funny because 1 he can’t act well enough to play dead.  (see end of film to and you’ll know)  2 his accent is like a combination of Borat and Jean Claude Van Dam.  So what ever he says comes out flat and lifeless.  The rest of the cast is not much better either.  The script is so out there with lines like, “Keep your stupid comments in your pocket.”  and “So anyway, how’s your sex life.”  Wiseau later said that it was supposed to be funny on purpose.  That it was a black comedy.  Like I said, maybe he is a genius.  “The Room” is a bad bad movie but if I want a sure fire laugh I can pop it in and it will do the trick.  Yes I’m guilty of loving “the Room”.  Thank you Tommy Wiseau for providing the greatest movie guilty pleasure.

Have your say.  What are some of your guilty pleasure movies.   Leave comments and share your thoughts of the blog.

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3 responses to “my top ten Guilty Pleasure movies

  1. I’ve only seen the two movies in exhibit 10. They are great movies and I loved them. You are right, they are woman flicks and i always cry no matter how many times i’ve watched them. Lol! Your reviews on the other movies are great and funny! As for John Travolta. . . maybe he packed the disco ball from Saturday Night Fever in those tight leather pants. Lol! Great review!!

  2. i have not seen them all”’i love the two first one’s”also”’ commando”’ love signs””i have seen roadhouse”’but i do love patrick swayze””the others i don’t know”’but enjoyed your blog”’thank you””

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